Back

Login

I am slowly pulling away from my #spiritual community, but for certain not my #practice (my #spirituality remains unshakeable, but people remain quite the opposite). Truthfully, my #Gods are asking so much more of me than my community is willing to allow or support within their existing structure, and I need to re-evaluate how I can better serve Them, and not the mortal realm of bureaucracy.

I'm not afraid of practicing outside of a structured organization, I did it for a long time, but I do feel if I make these steps away from it, that it is a slope which will not permit me to even stay for the purpose of #friendships.

Though to be fair, the 'friendships' I've made have grown cold at best over the last year, I can't help but notice. I think that has been the turning point more than most. What was once a feeling of comradery and friendship and togetherness, has turned into a feeling of loneliness and dead ends.

I've also experienced a lot of #trauma, from people within the organization, some with harmful intentions, and some with good ones. As it turns out, your intentions do not make a rat's ass of difference if you've still hurt the people on the receiving end of those intentions. That trauma is a stain on my membership, and my service, to the community. While some problems have been recognized in more recent times, the years under which those problems were permitted to flourish without curtailment was perhaps just too much.

The benchmark of friendship has always seemed like the willingness or need to show up at someone's funeral when they pass. In that respect, perhaps I have a hundred "friends" but not a single friend. After a lot of deep soul-searching in the last couple of days about the state of how truly isolated I really am, I had to contemplate why I am serving a community that appears disinterested at most in my well-being.

I slap a smile on my face day in and day out while serving this community, and the most I get back at this point is disdain for the role I possess, and apathy for anything else (to the point of my existence, I feel most days).

So I sat down and I pulled all the cards I have for this, because I needed all of the guidance. I have three primary decks (two oracles, one Tarot), and I drew from all of them. This required all of the guidance, from all of the angles, working together.

I went back and forth on whether to go into the specific meanings of each card I drew, but decided against it. Instead, I will tell the story of how the cards spoke to me. Every card had something profound to say to me, and put together, it tells me a story. One of service to my Gods and my faith, but within the establishment and protection of necessary, strict boundaries in the face of negativity, bullying, manipulation, and strife.

What was shocking though was that the cards spoke of an 'elder female' who is controlling my spiritual journey, and I just about dropped my entire drink. The cards tell me to take what is important, and run from the rest, because it is not doing me any favor. (On a side-note, this is not indicative of the individual 'controlling' my spiritual journey being good or bad, it is just that I've allowed this to happen, and now I need to re-evaluate heavily -- this card is -not- making a morality call).

Ultimately, I don't know where I'm going to end up at the end of the day; however, I do know I cannot stay the status-quo any further. But I want to make it crystal clear: I absolutely abhor change, and it seems no matter what decision I make, it is going to be something to contend with internally in ways I feel I am simply not prepared.